Monday, December 25, 2017

Blender 2017: "Cool Dads / Cooking / In the Apocalypse"

I was feeling bad that the entire calendar year of 2017 was on the verge of having passed by without a single update to this blog. It's true, I have plans to migrate activity tangential to its mission to The CYOA Addict, but we're not quite there yet... and I did have a couple of pieces in the queue suitable for this blog, if only I could square away the time needed to do the (time consuming) manual HTML conversion. Well, here we are, in the Christmas break. Consider the time... squared.

This one requires a bit of context to be understood, and even then the understanding only goes so far. As part of a wholesale case lot of revivals of activities I was obsessed with in my callow youth, I brought back from the dead "the Blender" improvised computer art IRC competition. It works kind of like comedy night at the improv -- you take suggestions from the crowd and assign competitors to create works engaging those themes, typically in the form "a person / in a place / doing an activity", under a time limit. Typically entries took the form of visual artworks, but through the compo's storied history we also had winning songs and stories ... and in the 2017 instalment, we received a rare treat: a program. Indeed, it was an MS-DOS executable with BASIC source code, unlocking a "choose your own adventure" scenario drawing not only on the assigned subjects, but also on the somewhat peculiar small talk going on in the compo's IRC channel before and during the competition, including chat with Dutch computer artists and one proud suggestion-contributor letting his kinky flag fly, yielding all the "hot werewolf babe" business seemingly out of left field. We didn't think that these suggestions would make fr the best instead making the compo officially about "cool dads / cooking / in the apocalypse" but this particular entry incorporated the unused suggestions anyhow for kicks, shaming the kinkmeister and confusing the heck out of posterity.

The author, underground computer artscene stalwart Mel Farr Suppastar, took home second place for this entry when probably he should have won top honours, in some misguided attempt to redress how his story that won the previous year's competition probably in retrospect should have been rated second. But despite having the gold stolen, his frivolous program was nonetheless a substantial undertaking deserving of a wider audience, and so I have marked up its source code allowing viewers to "play" through the game in their web browsers in a limited fashion (alas, I have excised the rudimentary sounds and visual effects) by clicking on their choice of underlined links.

10 CLEAR PRINT "GET READY MOTHERFUCKERS" PRINT PRINT "ITS BLENDER 2017" PRINT "en hallo aan al mijn belgische fans!" PRINT "TOPICS: Goosing Up / Your Mom / On IRC" PRINT "...wait" PRINT "TOPICS: Zombie / Werewolves / ...boobies" PRINT " " PRINT " damnit" PRINT " " PRINT "TOPICS: Cool Dads / Cooking / The Apocalypse" PRINT "Onderwerpen: hippe vaders, het koken, de apocalyps" PRINT " " PRINT " SUCCESS" PRINT PRINT " by...Mel Farr Suppastar" PRINT " (fb: Willie Noveck)" PRINT " Please insert Disk 2 into Drive b:"

20 CLS PRINT " please note there are dozens of endings so definitely worth a few replays" PRINT " OK new phone who dis ? " PRINT " (A) a cool Dad" PRINT " (B) a cool non-dad" PRINT " (C) a non-cool dad" PRINT " (D) neither cool nor dad"
21 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 100 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 35 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 45 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 55 INPUT "please input an A,B,C, or D...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 21

35 REM cool non dads CLS PRINT "What makes you so sure that you're cool?" PRINT " (A) I'm lying, I'm not actully cool" PRINT " (B) I tell stories that always start w/ me smoking a cigarette" PRINT " (C) My body temperature is unusually low" PRINT " (D) Skinny Jeans" INPUT ""; x$
36 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 45 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 40 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 40 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 38 INPUT "please input an A,B,C, or D...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 36

38 REM Not really cool non-dads PRINT "You die in the apocalypse. no one mourns you." ENZ$ = "Unhappy #1" GOTO 13800

40 REM COOL non-dad CLS PRINT " I have to admit. you are a pretty cool guy. pretty chill. you're having a pretty chill day. Your girl...who is super sexy. she's a werewolf with big `boobies' as sudndeath would say that are covered in fur, she takes your hand and says "; _ PRINT "`hey cool daddy i love you. Let's cook something.' And because you're super cool you're like `naw...beef' and she knows that means `lets go to the deli' so you go to the deli and you die in the apocalypse that you werent paying attention to"; _ PRINT "because you don't care about that shit. But you're not even mad. everyone else freaks out and you just light a cig and you're like `fuck yeah.' but like not even that excited just pleasantly pleased." ENZ$ = "neutral #1" GOTO 13800

45 REM non cool dad CLS PRINT _ " It's a normal day. You wake up, spend 10 seconds trying to see if your partner wants to sleep with you. There's a definitive no (I mean you're not particularly cool). No big deal. you saw that coming. So you go to cook breakfast. But then"; PRINT "you're like `eh fuck it - cool dads cook...i'm not a cool dad' so you don't cook you decide to pick up some carryout. you bring it back. no big deal. you're sitting around the table not even enjoying breakfast with the fam (you're trying to" PRINT _ "read the washington post like a total fuckin nerd. anyhow, you look out the window and see the apocalypse coming. for some reason, you outlive your family by about 8 seconds, so you get to watch them die before you yourself die. pretty fucking" PRINT "brutal. " ENZ$ = "unhappy #2" GOTO 13800

55 REM neither cool nor dad PRINT PRINT " I have some shite news for're not even doing anything interesting when the apocalypse hits. Not even idling on IRC. You die in a terrifying firestorm" ENZ$ = "unhappy #3" GOTO 13800

100 CLS PRINT PRINT "Fuck yeah it's cool dads time." PRINT PRINT "Where dat wife at? Where dem kids at?" PRINT " (a) Sleepin while I'm creepin!" PRINT " (b) with me while we're out to dinner at this siik ass restaurant" PRINT " (C) oh no no no...i'm divorced...but in a cooool way" INPUT ""; x$
101 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 120 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 102 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 1000 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 101

102 REM Cool dad at dinner CLS PRINT _ " Ok you're @ `Posh Spice' a 90s themed restaurant in 1980s calgary's electric avenue. All the sell-out yuppies are there. you even spot a young justin trudeau a phew tables away. Your waiter, chatter68 rolls up and says `hey cool dad, i guess"; PRINT "you didn't feel like cooking tonight.' Everyone has a hearty laugh. The flames score a goal. Just then the apocalypse hits. Everyone dies instantaneously." PRINT ENZ$ = "unhappy #4" GOTO 13800

120 REM Cool dad crepin CLS PRINT _ " yeeeaahh boy. It's 10:22pm. The wife's asleep. The kids are asleep. You're just thinking about what to do when your phone starts blowing up. three texts! One is from ya fellow cool dad, Radman `watching hockey at the spot! Come through' One"; PRINT " is a text from that furry werewolf hottie Raquel. `Just watchin netflix' she says. Final text is from Warpus it's all like `gonna go to a cool show you should come.' WHAT WILL YOU DO" PRINT " (a) Meet Radman at the bar" PRINT " (b) see if Raquel will invite you over" PRINT " (c) meet Warpus at `cool show'" PRINT " (d) apply for a homestead exemptions" INPUT x$
121 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 140 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 400 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 700 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 130 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 121

130 REM Apply for a homested exemption CLS PRINT _ "You call up your accountant Rai-Chan to discuss the ins and outs of the homestead exemption. he starts telling you stories about all the young werewolf pups hes bangin, being a fellow cool dad and all. you fall asleep on your loveseat with the"; PRINT _ "phone in your ear. when the apocalypse hits, the radiation you had already been exposed to protected you. you wake up and find that you have become a mutant cyborg zombie in post-apocalyptic calgary. with a single metallic tear, you bid adieu"; PRINT "to your friends, family and side chick." ENZ$ = "ambiguous ending #1" GOTO 13800

140 REM Cool dad meeting radman at bar PRINT " You meet Radman at Le Cinq, a hipsterish hockey bar on Electric Avenue in Calgary. Everyone is nicely dressed but rooting passionately for those flames. You're in your finest flannel of course. As you get there you're" PRINT "getting kind of hungry. What do you do?" PRINT " (a) Order some PUB GRUB" PRINT " (b) Reveal to Radman that im hungry even tho it might damage his opinion of me" PRINT " (c) Hit on these fine werewolf chicks celebrating a birthday over in the other booth, courageously ignoring my feelings of hunger" INPUT x$
141 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 155 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 235 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 315 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 141

155 PRINT PRINT _ " `Barkeep!' You shout `what will I be having to eat this fine eve??!?' The barkeep says `Bangers + Mash w/ a side of dick-o's in oil!' A delight! You watch the flames score a goal as your bangers arrive. They are delicious! You are enjoying" PRINT " them as the apocalypse hits...maybe you should've considered cooking. didn't think about that did you. jesus fucking christ did it even occur to you that the topic is cool dads cooking during the apocalypse?!?!?? What the fuck is wrong" PRINT " with you. Have fun at eternal bandcamp you fucking moron." ENZ$ = "unnecessarily hostile ending #1" GOTO 13800

235 REM reveal to radman PRINT " You look @ radman. he looks like a short Thor and is rockin some sick calgary flames apparel and sunglasses even though its 11:15pm. you say `hey radman' there's something i've gotta tell you." PRINT " `sup holmes'" PRINT " `Hey...I think im hungry.' He stares at you. minutes pass. finally he says `ok well how about after the game ends we go back to my place and cook up some bangers and mash.' You jizz a little cuz fuck it the wife and kids are" PRINT "asleep and we're talking bangers + Mash."

236 PRINT "You get to Radman's house. Shit's lit son. The meditation room is bigger than you remember. The ficus plants are TIGHT! His collection of women's shoes in various sizes is well organized and displayed. Does he have a tissue box. Fuck" PRINT "yes he has a tissue box. Radman looks at you, with a tear in his eye and says: what'll it be?" PRINT " (a) Bangers + MASH" PRINT " (b) lets make mushroom chocs and trip balls" PRINT " (c) This pineapple pizza he's got in his fridge" INPUT x$
237 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 245 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 265 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 283 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 237

245 PRINT PRINT "Fuck yeah bangers + mash. you're workin on COOKING UP THAT GRAVY when you are struck by SOME VERY WELL TRAINED GRAVY ROBBERS. Fuck fuck fuck. before you know it, they've snatched up that Gravy. Thats the bad news, the good news is that" PRINT "their potential inability to snatch up that gravy was what was going to cause the apocalypse, so by choosing to cook bangers and mash, you've sAVED THE the universe from apocalypse!!!!!! Unfortunately none of you will ever know that" PRINT "Your life goes on as essentially GREAT because you're a COOL DAD." ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #2" GOTO 13800

265 REM mushrooms @ Radmans PRINT PRINT " damn you think `making mushroom chocolates is way easier than i thought' as you add your finely chopped shrooms to the still very hot chocolate. you try to mix them in as evenly as possible because...dosages and what not and when done" PRINT "you pour the molds into a pan . you are about to put them in a fridge to cool when raman says `bro.' You look out the window. holy shit. it looks like the apocalypse is approaching" PRINT "`looks like we're in for some crazy weather' radman says. `I wish we had some ACiD.'" PRINT "what do you do?" PRINT " (a) eat some mushrooms so that you can be trippin ballz on this crazy weather" PRINT " (b) try to find some ACiD" PRINT " (c) say fuck it and resolve to meet the apocalypse sober." INPUT x$
266 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 270 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 275 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 280 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 266

270 REM SHROOMS @ RADMANS PRINT " The apocalypse hits. BUT NOT BEFORE THE SHROOMS DID. and it is epic. The colors man. The colors. Fortunately, you realize that the apocalypse is one of only 4 dimensions, and dimensions are actually an illusion. The 6th through 8th" PRINT "dimensions are totally fine. Where will you travel? " PRINT " (a) 6th Dimension" PRINT " (b) 7th Dimension" PRINT " (C) 8th Dimension" INPUT x$
271 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 2000 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 2100 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 2200 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 271

275 REM ACID @ RADMANS PRINT " Turns out RADMAN has some ACiD on iCE. Unfortunately it takes way too long to kick in and you're still sober when the apocalypse hits. you die not even trippin balls yet." ENZ$ = "Unhappy ending #5" GOTO 13800

280 REM Sober Apocalypse PRINT " Radman looks at you `well if you don't want to take ACiD' you can get out of my house. but i'll tell you, there's a chrono trigger gimme your phone. and radman inputs the coordinates to the chrono trigger." PRINT " Will you: " PRINT " (A) resolve to die in the apocalypse w/ your family" PRINT " (B) go to the chrono trigger" INPUT x$
281 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 282 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 288 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 281

282 PRINT PRINT "You wake up your family just in time to die in each others arms as the apocalypse hits." ENZ$ = "Bittersweet ending #1" GOTO 13800

283 REM Pineapple Pizza @ Radmans PRINT PRINT " The gross pineapple pizza is cooking when Radman looks out the window. `Dude, it's the apocalypse.'" PRINT " `huh?' You look out the window and see that it is indeed the apocalypse." PRINT " `hey bro' Radman says. `I have an interdimensional portal in my basement, what's say we travel to another dimension?" PRINT " You go down to the interdimensional portal. It has dimensions all the way from 1-138. Radman says he'll let you pick the dimension." INPUT dimen IF dimen < 3 THEN GOTO 284 IF dimen = 5 OR dimen = 4 THEN GOTO 287 IF dimen = 6 THEN GOTO 2000 IF dimen = 7 THEN GOTO 2100 IF dimen = 8 THEN GOTO 2200 IF dimen = 138 THEN GOTO 285 IF dimen GOTO 286

284 REM dimension engulfed in the apocalypse PRINT " my man... you are jumping into this interdimensional portal to ESCAPE the apocalypse. why would you pick 1 of the 1st 3 dimensions. You are cooked by the apocalypse as the portal takes you nowhere." ENZ$ = "Unhappy Ending #idgaf" GOTO 13800

285 REM you ascend to godhood and win PRINT " You jump through the portal to the 138th dimension and find you are staring at an 80x50 screen terminal. Lines of code are displayed infinitely in all directions. The code of the multiverse! You notice there are lots of GOTO statements" PRINT "because the previous programmer is either unskilled/or in a hurry. You can see all the choices laid out before you. You can code whatever future you want for yourself or anyone else. THE POWER IS YOURS, PROGRAMMER/GOD/PROTAGONIST!!!" ENZ$ = "God Ending #1" GOTO 13800

286 REM YOU CANT HANDLE THIS DIMENSION AS A MERE SOBER COOL DAD PRINT "" PRINT "you have made a big mistake...." PRINT "" PRINT "your sober self was not meant to handle higher dimensional travel, cool dad or otherwise. The multiverse is not meant for mere mortals. But it is too late to turn back. Your being explodes unable to take in the glory of the multiverse" ENZ$ = "Unhappy ending #6" GOTO 13800

287 REM Warp to random spot in the game PRINT PRINT "whirr"; PRINT "buzz"; PRINT "click"; PRINT " the timer begins whirring and buzzing and goozling and sends you to...." RANDOMIZE TIMER z = INT(RND(1) * limt) + 1 IF z = 1 GOTO 20 IF z = 2 GOTO 35 IF z = 3 GOTO 40 IF z = 4 GOTO 45 IF z = 5 GOTO 55 IF z = 6 GOTO 100 IF z = 7 GOTO 102 IF z = 8 GOTO 120 IF z = 9 GOTO 130 IF z = 10 GOTO 140 IF z = 11 GOTO 155 IF z = 12 GOTO 236 IF z = 13 GOTO 245 IF z = 14 GOTO 265 IF z = 15 GOTO 270 IF z = 16 GOTO 275 IF z = 17 GOTO 315 IF z = 18 GOTO 400 IF z = 19 GOTO 700 IF z = 20 GOTO 1000 GOTO 287

288 REM Go to chrono trigger no Radman PRINT " You find the Chrono Trigger [!!] Unfortunately it seems to have only a few presets programmed in. You can go to one of the following: " PRINT " (a) 1990s Seattle " PRINT " (b) China during the cultural revolution" PRINT " (c) 1840s Yorkshire" PRINT " (d) 1887 Lahore, India" INPUT x$
289 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 290 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 291 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 292 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 293 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 289

290 REM 1990s seattle PRINT " Oh my god you totally nailed this shit! I don't even want to get into it. 1990s seattle. Okay lemme break down how well this is going to work for you. First off you're gonna be there for Grunge, then you're gonna be there for the amazing" PRINT "Supersonics Playoff run in the mid 90s. Also you invested in starbucks. You become so rich that when the apocalypse buy it off. You buy off the fucking apocalypse w/ starbucks stock. Nice work!" ENZ$ = "Happying Ending #idgaf" GOTO 13800

291 REM China during the cultural revolution PRINT _ " What were you thinking? You don't no mandarin!?!?! And you gotta be really careful about tryign to be cool, Mao might see it as subversive and outlaw it. So you spend the rest of the 70s walking an extraordinarily fine line between parlaying" PRINT "your coolness into privileges and not being so cool that the communists are concerned. ITS STRESSFUL. You finally flee to south korea when you realize the stress is accelerating your balding. Things pick up after that though." ENZ$ = "Ambiguous ending #8" GOTO 13800

292 REM 1840s yorkshire PRINT " You go to 1840s Yorkshire and you crush it. Because you are aware of both showering and brushing your teeth, you are the only non smelly person with nice teeth in the entire city. YOU ARE SO COOL LETS JUST SAY IT WORKS OUT VERY WELL" PRINT "for you until you get measles and they can't treat it because it's 1840 yorkshire." ENZ$ = "Sexy Ending #3" GOTO 13800

293 REM 1887 Lahore, India PRINT " You go to Lahore India and die of boredom." ENZ$ = "Unnecessarily hostile ending #4" GOTO 13800

315 REM at bar hit on these fine ass werewolves PRINT " Holy shit these are some fine-ass werewolves. They've all got beautiful long hair and are wearing sexy outfits that really accentuate your fur. youre getting a boner. Whats your angle?" PRINT " (a) Hey it's a birthday I love birthdays!" PRINT " (b) Hey wolves what is your preferred 8bit technology to emulate?" PRINT " (c) Would you like to save money on your mortgage?" INPUT x$
316 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 336 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 356 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 376 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 316

336 REM Birthday [bat mitzvah] PRINT "The super hot werewolves make polite conversation with you but they really don't care to get to know you (they must have bad taste) you decide to head back to Radman's to cook" PRINT GOTO 236

356 REM Werewolves preferred 8 bit technology to emulate [sexy times?] PRINT "The werewolves are totally into this discussion of retro technology. They invite you (& radman) back to their place, but, they also want you to cook for them. Not a problem. As you're cooking you see the apocalypse coming, but the Werewolves" PRINT "have decided to keep you and Radman around as cooks/lovers in the post-apocalyptic future. And...hand jobs...all over the place." ENZ$ = "Sexy Ending #2" GOTO 13800

376 REM Werewolves Mortgage [eat you] PRINT "You explain to these fine fine werewolves how you can help them refinance their mortgage and....they cook you and eat you. Cool Dad is getting cooked BEFORE the apocalypse. Idiot" ENZ$ = "Unhappy ending #11" GOTO 13800

400 REM Cool dad seeing if raquel will invite me over PRINT "Ok so you're going to see if you can score with that hot werewolf babe raquel. What's the plan" PRINT " (a) Head on over!" PRINT " (b) Text her that you're heading over then head over." PRINT " (c) Ask her if she wants you to come over" INPUT x$
401 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 410 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 510 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 610 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 401

410 REM heading over to raquel PRINT "" PRINT " You're a cool dad. you don't need permission. You show up to Raquel's house unannouced or you try to at any rate. She thinks its an intruder, pounces on you and kills you. Jesus christ man what were you thinking youre entering a" PRINT "werewolf's turf unannounced. You might be a cool dad, but you're not smart. You don't even live to s ee the apocalypse." ENZ$ = "Unhappy ending #10" GOTO 13800

510 REM Texting and heading over to raquels PRINT "" PRINT " You tell her really smoothly that you're heading over to show her something, and when you get there you show her -- it's your elbow!!! Dude you are totally getting laid tonight but I can't get into the details because this comp is ending" PRINT "in like 20 minutes but oh my god, shit is really `cookin' lets just say when the apocalypse comes its not the only thing that comes." ENZ$ = "sexy ending #1" GOTO 13800

610 REM Ask her if she wants you to come over PRINT "" PRINT " You ask her if she wants you to come over. She's like `no fuck off.' Then faxes you a picture of her butt just so you can feel even shittier about the hole thing [pun intended]. You're lamenting how poorly your night is going when" PRINT "the apocalypse strikes destroying everything" ENZ$ = "Unhappy Ending #9" GOTO 13800

700 REM meet warpus at cool show. PRINT " Ok you're going to electric avenue to meet warpus how are you dressing." PRINT " (a) Scarves, Tank Top, Suit Jacket, Sunglasses" PRINT " (b) Scarves, Tank Top, Suit Jacket, Sunglasses" PRINT " (c) Scarves, Tank Top, Suit Jacket, Sunglasses" PRINT " (d) Scarves, Tank Top, Suit Jacket, Sunglasses" INPUT x$ PRINT "

Great choice. You look COOL AS HECK. You're rocking scarves, a tank top, a suit jacket and sunglasses. You head down to coconut joe's on electric avenue. The Hot Nasties are performing their hit `I am a confused teenager' Warpus" PRINT "is easy to spot as he's 7 feet tall, wearing a colonial english wig, has 3 safety pins in his ears and is hitting the guy in front of him with a chicken. hes also smoking a virginia slim. What do you do?" PRINT " (a) bum a virginia slim" PRINT " (b) steal the chicken" PRINT " (c) just enjoy the show" PRINT " (d) ignore warpus and hit on some hot ass" INPUT x$
701 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 710 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 790 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 870 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 990 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 701

710 REM bum a virginia slim from warpus PRINT PRINT " Ok I've gotta be honest. The world is still going to end in an apocalypse and you are still going to die, but dude HOLY SHIT when you bum that virginia slim from warpus you become the 3rd coolest dad in calgary, a city of 150,000" PRINT "dads. My friend, you can die happy. I mean what an accomplishment. 3rd Coolest dad in calgary. FUCK YEAH." ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #8" GOTO 13800

790 REM steal warpus' chicken PRINT PRINT " Oh holy shit. oh jesus mother of christ. I don't know how to explain this, but stealing Warpus' chicken fixed the balance of the multiverse and now the apocalypse has been averted. Of course no one will ever know. Except the chicken." PRINT "Warpus sure is gonn miss that little guy. Thats the bummer but i mean hey, gotta break some eggs to make an artpack." ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #7" GOTO 13800

870 REM enjoy the show w/ warpus PRINT _ " Man the hot nasties are the most kickin band in 1983 calgary. you and warpus are having a great time at the show just fuckin talkin shit and shoving strangers when the apocalypse comes and destroys everything but TBH you didn't see it coming." ENZ$ = "Ambiguous ending #7" GOTO 13800

990 REM hit on some hot sdd PRINT PRINT "As you get realize the hot ass is a buncha werewolves!" GOTO 315

1000 REM cool dad divorced PRINT " Fuck yeah, you're divorced! No spouse! no kids! No problems. It's 11am on sunday what are we doing?" PRINT " (a) Watch some Sports!" PRINT " (b) learn javascript online " PRINT " (c) Invite sexy ass Raquel over" PRINT " (d) I'm kinda hungry lets cook maybe." INPUT x$
1001 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 1002 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 1250 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 1500 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 1750 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 1001


1250 REM Learn Javascript online PRINT " You are coding javascript when the entire world explodes. Nice job idiot. I can't believe you picked learn javascript online." ENZ$ = "Unnecessarily Hostile ending #3" GOTO 13800

1500 REM invite sexy ass raquel over PRINT " That fine honey Raquel says she doesn't want to leave her house. What do you do?" PRINT " (a) give up and make bangers + mash" PRINT " (b) go over to her place?"

1501 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 1750 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 400 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 1501

1750 REM Im kinda hungry lets cook maybe PRINT " You are cooking (Bangers + mash) when the apocalypse hits. You run to the basement pass out and wake up one of the only survivors. Your story continues in POST-APOCALYPTIC BLENDER CYOA by Mel_Farr" ENZ$ = "Ambiguous ending #5" GOTO 13800

2000 REM 6th dimension (Magic the gathering)x PRINT " You have entered the Realm of The Gods!!! Unfortunately the realm of the gods is a browser with a wikipedia type set-up with an entry for everything in the multiverse and whenever you want to change anything you have to run around" PRINT "and edit the entry and hope that the other gods either agree with you or ignore it. fortunately many of the gods infight amongst themselves over small details like whether this one bro should have wavy or curly hair and whether magic " PRINT "the gathering should have a 6th color or not. So in some sense you're omnipotent but in other sense not so much. It's kind of a stressful frustrating existence but not without its own rewards." ENZ$ = "Ambiguous ending #2" GOTO 13800

2100 REM 7th Dimension (Mario Brothers) PRINT " As you travel through the portal to the 7th dimension it slowly twists and constricts and condenses until it looks like you're travelling through a simple green pipe when you emerge out of the pipe you find yourself emerging out"; PRINT "of the front door of a castle. You try to reenter the castle but cannot. The landscape outside is sparse. The sky is sky blue with a few pleasant clouds. There are strange white trees and standalone brown fences fencing off nothing."; PRINT "you look @ Radman, and notice thath is outfit has changed. He's wearing green overalls and a white shirt with a green hat. He's skinnier and has a goofy mustache. He's looking at you strangely. You're looking at him. Just then a bullet"; PRINT "whizzes by. You see the cannon in the distance and coming near you is some sort of flying turtle pterosaur. It seems dumb so you are easily able to duck out of its way. Radman looks at you and goes `Bro. I think we're in the mushroom" PRINT "kingdom... we're the MAREIO brothers. Do you:" PRINT " (a) correct him, it's prounced `mario' not mareio." PRINT " (b) decide not to correct him." INPUT x$
2102 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 2104 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 2103 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 2102

2103 REM Mario Death PRINT " You decide not to correct RadMan. As Mario and Luigi you vow to return the Princess from the clutches of King Koopa which you succeed at because a) you're already at world 7-1 and b) you have multiple lives and such. However after the" PRINT "party from rescuing the princess you fall asleep and dream through Mario #2 and you realized you are doomed to go on every single one of Mario's adventures. Terrified you commit suicide by jumping into a pit only to respawn every time a" PRINT "player boots up the game. You are cursed to be mario over and over again until infinity." ENZ$ = "Unhappy Ending #8" GOTO 13800

2104 REM Super Mario (fight koopa, ally with koopa, eat mushrooms) PRINT " Radman/Luigi relents, realizing that you are right, it's pronounced Mario. And you guys are in the mushroom kingdom. You weight your options:" PRINT " (a) Accept your destiny as Mario and fight king Koopa" PRINT " (b) Ally with Koopa...why not?" PRINT " (c) Maybe just hang out and eat mushrooms like...forever." INPUT x$
2105 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 2103 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 2110 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 2120 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 2105

2110 PRINT " With the combined forces of Cool Dad Mario, Radman Luigi and King Koopa, the Mushroom Kingdom is yours. And soon...Koopa grows bored. He grows increasingly curious about earth constantly asking you about it. And finally one day he leaves." PRINT "On his desk is a simple note. `Mario brothers: the last few years have been very special to me, but I know my true destiny is not to be an evil villain. It's to be a country singer. I'm moving to Nashville, changing my name to Hennifer and"; _ PRINT "becoming this generations Shania twain. Don't try to stop me. You and Radman share a knowing laugh as we cut to the credits." ENZ$ = "Happy ending #6" GOTO 13800

2120 PRINT " yeah i mean you're in the mushroom kingdom with an unlimited supply of mushrooms why the fuck fight king koopa...i mean, he's not exactly gunning for you guys. Eventually you and Radman get married in a private ceremony and have" PRINT "47 beautiful goomba children. Now you're an even cooler dad." ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #7" GOTO 13800

2200 REM 8th dimension (Buckaroo Banzai) PRINT " You find yourself in the 8th dimension, which has been taken over by the Red Lectroids, whose goal is to utilize the resources of earth in their eternal war against the black lectroids for control of planet 10. What will you do?" PRINT " (a) Assist the Red lectroids in retaking planet 10" PRINT " (b) Attempt to sabotage the red lectroids!" PRINT " (c) Utilize the red lectroid technology to return to earth" PRINT " (d) Hang out in the 8th dimension just kind of doing your own thing." INPUT x$
2201 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 2300 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 2400 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 2500 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 2600 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 2201

2300 REM Assist the red lectroids PRINT " Upon arriving in the 8th dimension you realize the population is like: fuckton of red lectroids, one you. So you decide you're going to have to help them, even though they are evil. Ultimately they send you to deal w/" PRINT "buckaroo banzai. What do you do?" PRINT " (a) Beg for a different assignment" PRINT " (b) Challenge Banzai to 1 on 1 combat" PRINT " (c) Surrender to and seek sanctuary with Buckaroo Banzai" PRINT " (d) Calmly explain to buckaroo banzai that the red lectroids plan to use a moderate amount of earth technology to wage a war that otherwise doesn't concern earth and they're not really such a grave threat so maybe just drop it." INPUT x$
2301 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 2302 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 2327 IF x$ = "c" OR x$ = "C" GOTO 2351 IF x$ = "d" OR x$ = "D" GOTO 2376 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 2301

2302 REM Beg for a different assignment PRINT " The red lectroids set you up as the secretary at yoyodyne propulsion systems where you do a phenomenal job. Due to your diligent work their plan goes off without a hitch before buckaroo banzai can interfere. The lectroids retake" PRINT " planet 10 which ultimately prevents the apocalypse. You end up with a nice little diner in Grover's mill new jersey. It's not cool but it's very fulfilling." ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #5" GOTO 13800

2327 REM Challenge Banzai to 1 on 1 combat PRINT " You challenge buckaroo Banzai to 1 on 1 combat. He looks at you and says, `I don't think thats going to work out very well for you, you sure about this?'" PRINT " (a) DIE HERO SCUM!!!" PRINT " (b) shit you're right, ok my bad." INPUT x$
2328 IF x$ = "a" OR x$ = "A" GOTO 2329 IF x$ = "b" OR x$ = "B" GOTO 2351 INPUT "please input an A,B,C...i don't have time to program clever AI"; x$ GOTO 2328

2329 PRINT " You draw out your weapon (it's a fucking garrote because you think garrotes are cool) and someone in the crowd points out that garottes are for sneak attacking so you already fucked up. Buckaroo Banzai knocks you out with the hilt of" PRINT " his samurai sword. You wake up in federal prison where you die when the apocalypse comes two years later while you're in the commissary cooking." ENZ$ = "Unhappy ending #7" GOTO 13800

2351 REM surrender and seek sanctuary w/ buckaroo banzai PRINT " You encounter Buckaroo Banzai in all of his glory. He is magnificent. You explain that you're just one guy trying to take care of yourself he grabs you. `Hey -- he says. You don't have to be sad. Because whatever you do, you did it." PRINT " `I'm not sad.' you say" PRINT " `Even better' Buckaroo Banzai says `You want a ride to the bus station?'." PRINT " Perfect Tommy and New Jersey give you a ride to the bus stop. You go home to your family and discover that you're already there because you're currently two years in the past. You and your past self work together to prevent the " PRINT " apocalypse and you totally become best buddies with yourself because you're both Cool Dads. You even take turns banging your spouse! Nice!!!" ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #4" GOTO 13800

2376 REM Calmly Explain PRINT " You encounter Buckaroo Banzai in all of his glory. You were going to try to be `cool' about it but it's not happening. He looks at you straight through the soul and you realize you're a fraud. you're not a cool dad. you'll never be cool" PRINT "enough to be a hong kong cavalier. still, he hears you outs. you explain that the red lectroids just want to use earth technology to take their home planet back and letting them do that will result in all of them leaving earth so maybe" PRINT "just leave them alone instead of trying to uncover the grand conspiracy. He looks, nods thoughtfully and says `well. Wherever they go, there they are.' He sees the wisdom in what you are saying and offers you a ride to the bus stop. By" PRINT "ending Buckaroo Banzai's battle against the lectroids, the red lectroids retake planet 10, fixing the balance of the universe and preventing the apocalypse. On the downside, you realize you're not really cool, which you will carry with" PRINT "you for the rest of your (now long) life." ENZ$ = "Ambiguous ending #4" GOTO 13800

2400 REM fight the red lectroids PRINT " Jesus christ you are a moron. You entered the 8th dimension. Population: a fuckton of red lectroids and you. And you decided to wage a one-man crusade against the red lectroids. are you a fucking moron? You seem like it. You are" PRINT "tortured seemingly endlessly until you die sad and alone." ENZ$ = "Unnecessarily hostile #2" GOTO 13800

2500 REM return to earth PRINT " Utilizing Red Lectroid technology you transport yourself to 1983 Grover's Mill New Jersey. You have a couple awesome years before being destroyed by the apocalypse (which strikes in 1985) so this is kind of an ambiguou ending" PRINT "because I really want to emphasize that your couple years in New Jersey are just great, but then you die in the apocalypse anyhow." ENZ$ = "Ambiguous ending #3" GOTO 13800

2600 REM hang out in the 8th dimension just kind of doing your own thing. PRINT " You decide to make a home for yourself in the 8th dimension. The Red lectroids, evil as they are are mostly focused on their own revenge plans and ignore you as long as you don't interfere. To be honest it sounds pretty boring to me," PRINT "but im just the narrator, I'm not a cool dad so I'm going to go ahead and say you probably enjoy yourself just fine. Congrats!" ENZ$ = "Happy Ending #3" GOTO 13800 END

13800 PRINT PRINT "THE "; ENZ$; " END" PRINT "" PRINT "and yes im aware that the _ ending end is redundant." REM Happy end 5, Unhappy 8, Ambig #4, Unnec Hostile #2