THE LETTER - EPISODE 1
And talking about that, I wrote a song for you, my love. I'll hang this around my neck on the handy strap... this thing has all the attachments:
- ♫ Jen! All the way over the sea
Capetown is where you be
Why aren't we in the same country?
Sending my love with an mp3!
Jen, Jen, Jen... Jen Jen Jen! ♫
[normal voice, to mp3 player] Looks like you're going to get to meet Luke.
Luke: I'm a bit early. [sound of bag hitting ground]
Kevin: Just made some coffee, help yourself.
Luke: Sounds great. [screen door shuts]
Kevin: Luke is the guy who was wearing the tinfoil hat in the lab party picture I sent you. He also plays music, more hiphop though. He started as a tech at our lab a month or two after I got there, so he took the heat off me as the new guy.
Luke: You talking to yourself again, Fell?
Kevin: Actually, I'm making an audio letter to Jen. She sent me an mp3 player for my birthday.
Luke: Coooool. Hi Jen.
Kevin: I was just briefing her about you.
Luke: uh huh [sip] It's all lies.
Kevin: Tell her how much I talk about her. Adoringly.
Luke: Oh yeah, constantly. He's always talking about you, Jan.
Luke: Right right. Sorry, s'hard to keep track. Jen's the one in LA, right. Jan's the one in Capetown? Which was the one who had the jacuzzi?
Kevin: [laughing] I don't know how to edit this so don't say anything really bad.
Luke: I'm just trying to get her to move out here. It's the only way you're going to keep this wildman in check, Jan! Jen!
Kevin: [Laughs] Wildman.
Luke: So, what's first for your birthday, wildman? Wanna hit the... strip clubs?
Kevin: See, you're censoring yourself. You usually say tittie bars. He's on his best behaviour, Jen.
[brief silence as Kevin stops laughing. the sound of two doors slamming shut.]
Luke: [subdued] Whoa. Check out the men in black.
Kevin: They look like the guys from V, don't they? Caps and wrap-around sunglasses. Very '80s.
Luke: Unmarked van... you, uh, expecting --?
Luke: 'Cause they're, uh, headed straight over here.
Kevin: Yeah, I think they are.
- IF KEVIN SHOULD DUCK INTO THE HOUSE, SKIP TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 3.
- IF HE SHOULD REMAIN WHERE HE IS, GO ONE TRACK AHEAD TO TRACK 2. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO DECIDE.
Luke: Well, they're not carrying flowers.
Kevin: ... or packages.
Luke: But they're definitely coming up here.
Kevin: [Calls out] Hello there!
MiB1: Are you Kevin Fell?
Luke: Who's asking?
Kevin: Yes I am.
MiB1: We'd like you to come with us.
Kevin: What for?
MiB1: We'd like you to come with us.
Kevin: I get that, but I need to know what for.
MiB1: Entering phase 2.
[Kevin and Luke laugh]
Kevin: OK, now I know you're joking.
Luke: That doesn't even look like a real gun. That's pretty sad.
Kevin: Who put you up to this?
MiB1: Phase 3 specifies I fire tranquilizer darts at you.
[click of a gun being cocked].
- IF KEVIN AGREES TO GO WITH THE MEN, SKIP FOUR TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 6.
- IF HE REMAINS WHERE HE IS, GO TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 4. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO DECIDE.
Luke: They look like trouble, somehow.
[door shuts, walking sound. sound of coffee being poured]
Luke: Yep, they're they're on the porch. [cup being set down] Shit, they just walked right in! They're in the living room --
[fainter door shutting from other room]
- IF KEVIN HEADS OUT THE BACK, SKIP TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 5.
- OTHERWISE DO NOTHING. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO DECIDE.
Kevin: [groggy sounds of waking up] Whaa... where am I? I'm in my bedroom...? What was I? Have to get some water.
[Door opens to party noises]
Luke: The man's finally up!
Kevin: What are you all doing in my living room?
Stef: Surprise! Happy birthday Kevin!
Dr. Kinderson:: Kevin! I'm sorry, my boy, it's been a few years since I'd prepared tranquilizers. I think it was the right dose, but I guess with the adrenaline it packed a punch --
Luke: You've been out for hours, man, the keg's nearly empty!
Kevin: A keg. There's a keg in my kitchen.
Mike: Here ya go, man, I'll pour it myself. [sound of pouring] We ran out of plastic cups so we've been using mugs, hope that's OK. Cheers! [clinking mugs]
Kevin: What -- what happened to the men in black?
Dr. Kinderson:: They're friends of mine, well, one of them's my nephew and the other's a friend of his. We thought it would be fun, got a little out of hand I admit --
Kevin: Did you know?
Luke: I had no idea.
Dr. Kinderson:: Well you'll never forget your first birthday in Canada, I'll bet! Plus, we've just got the magazines back with your publication, here.
Kevin: Oh, yeah, great. Great! That was... fast.
Luke: Oooh. "Using roundworms to study the molecular basis of epilepsy." Sounds like a page turner.
Dr. Kinderson:: I was surprised myself. Very quick. But we spent a lot of time with it, and so it was pretty clean going in.
Kevin: I had a ... dream... that I was working on a paper about autism.
Dr. Kinderson:: [chuckles] I once dreamt that I was a surgeon on a cruise ship. Stress dreams.
Luke: Last night I dreamt I was a building and people were throwing rocks at my windows and spraypainting graffitti on me.
Stef: Yeah? What was it like?
Luke: The rocks weren't so cool but the spraypainting kind of tickled.
Kevin: Well, thanks for coming, everyone. I'm sorry I've been such a bad host until now. Cheers!
[everyone cheers, and the sound of the party gently fades out.]
- IF THIS VERSION OF REALITY SEEMS PLAUSIBLE, THIS IS THE END OF THE STORY.
- TO STAY ON THE PORCH WHEN THE MEN IN BLACK APPROACH, GO TWO TRACKS BACK TO TRACK 2.
- TO GO INSIDE, GO ONE TRACK BACK TO TRACK 3. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO DECIDE.
OTHERWISE, PLAY AGAIN.
[fast walking and another door opening and closing, sound of a back yard—birds, wind]
MiB: [slightly distant, but calmly] Phase 3.
[The rattle and slam of a wooden gate closing is followed by two wet thunks of darts into wood]
Kevin: What the hell?!
Luke: They shot something at us. Let's hoof it, man.
[Gravelly running for a while.]
Kevin: [breathless] This alley leads to the street.
[less gravelly running for a while]
Luke: OK, wait, wait, what -- where are we going?
Kevin: We could head for the lab. Regroup, figure out what the hell's going on.
Luke: They might know where you work. Maybe the bar's safer.
Kevin: Bars are never safe when you're involved.
- IF KEVIN HEADS FOR THE BAR, GO TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 7.
- IF HE HEADS FOR THE LAB, GO SIX TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 11.
Kevin: Yeah, I did a paper on it for first year. And the affects of tranq darts aren't terribly nice. It's not like the movies. Get the solution ratio wrong...
Luke: But if they only have the one dart...
MiB1: Phase 2b.
MiB2: [sound of clothes being rustled, a second cocking] This short-range projector is the answer to the requests for an inexpensive emergency-type projector. Not recommended for darts over 3cc --
MiB1: [cutting him off] End.
Kevin: This is a pretty elaborate joke. Well, we should see what the punchline is.
Luke: Uh, I'll hang out here.
MiB1: Phase 2b requires your involvement. You will come with us now.
[sound of them getting up, creak of porch stairs, cars getting louder as they cross the road.]
Luke: [hushed] We sure getting into an unmarked van is a good idea?
Kevin: [hushed] It's gotta be a prank.
[The sound of a van door opening (sliding?)]
Kevin: There's a keg of beer in here! Nice!
Luke: You guys couldn't afford to rent the model with seats in the back, huh?
MiB2: Tough, roomy, rugged and reliable, Ford's Econoline van has a favorable, well-earned reputation. Since the van's introduction in 1960 ... [cut off by closing door]
Luke: Those guys are a little off.
Kevin: There's something familiar about them, though.
[the MiB get in and shut their two doors. The van starts. From the front seat, MiB2 continues the description of the van (see notes) but it's very muffled.]
Luke: Really? I was trying to think if I'd met them before.
Kevin: No, I mean the way they're acting.
Luke: Like robots? Did you get a load of the ear pieces, by the way?
Kevin: No... yeah, I see them now. Both ears, too.
Luke: (hollow sound of a keg being flicked) This keg feels full. You got a cup?
Kevin: [laughs] No, sorry. There's an invoice stuck to it though... from Einstein's.
Luke: Huh. Anything else back there?
Kevin: No... well, this roll of duct tape. Here ya go.
Luke: Sure, standard abduction procedure. [calls to front] Hey guys, do you want us to bind our hands with this ourselves? Save ya the trouble.
[No response except MiB2 switches to duct tape spiel in notes]
Kevin: OK, I'm officially freaked out.
Luke: Well, we're coming to a red light...
- IF YOU MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO JUMP OUT OF THE VAN, GO TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 8.
- IF YOU SIT TIGHT AND SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING DO NOTHING. YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS TO DECIDE.
Kevin: Well, I guess we'll see where we're going.
Luke: Door's probably locked anyways [rattles it]
Kevin: Oh, he didn't like that. Shit, he's getting out his gun!
[sliding cab window]
Luke: I was just --
Luke: Damn! You guys got some good taste in music! I heard it from outside and it just drew me in. Who is that?
Mike: Some shit some retarded kid gave us.
Kevin: Hey Mike. You guys gotta get some better music. There's no customers.
Mike: It's 11 in the fucking morning. We're not open.
Luke: Come on... it's Kevin's birthday, line us up a few.
Kevin: We've had a bit of a trying morning.
Mike: Pfft. You didn't have to open your bar at 10 so that two retards could knock the door off its hinges.
Kevin: Oh yeah, what happened?
Mike: These jokers pulled a keg out the door so fast they knocked the sign off the door. Didn't even slow down to say sorry. Just got in their van and split. [door opens, sound of something falling] Damnit! ...Look guys, I gotta get something to stick this up again. I'm gonna lock up for a second and go down to the hardware store..
- IF YOU HAVE THE DUCT TAPE FROM THE VAN, SKIP TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 9.
- IF YOU DON'T, HEAD TO THE LAB FOUR TRACKS AHEAD AT TRACK 11.
[the sound of the door opening, people running]
Luke: Between these houses.
Kevin: Shit! You first.
[sound of them hitting the fence, climbing]
Luke: Are they still...?
[sound of Luke hitting the ground on the other side]
Luke: Hurry, man!
Kevin: This blue box... [sound of kevin climbing, landing]
Kevin: Let's go!
Luke: Looks like we lost 'em. Jesus!
Kevin: I didn't expect them to chase us.
Luke: I didn't think they'd run! I figured they'd just walk after us Terminator-style.
Kevin: That fence stopped them. Shit, the last time I had to climb a fence my feet actually fit inside the chain links --
Luke: I could see you trying that, going like ... [they laugh]
Kevin: Well, hey, we're pretty close to Einstein's. Let's go ask them about the keg.
Luke: Sure, I could use a drink.
Mike: Oh, cool, that'll do it. [sound of duct tape being unstuck]
Kevin: So these jokers...
Mike: Yeah. I was expecting Dr. Kinderson to pick it up himself.
Luke: Kinderson placed the order?
Mike: Yeah, when they showed up I was kind of surprised. They were weird, too, both in caps and earbuds, I made a joke about that and they just kind of stared at me. And when I go back to the office to get the dolly they just picked it up and hauled it out by hand. When I came back they were wrestling it through the door.
Kevin: And knocked the sign off in the process.
Mike: Yeah. [smacking sounds] OK, that should stick. I probably shouldn't have joked about the earbuds though... maybe they've gotta wear them for some medical condition or something. They're not patients of Dr. Kinderson or anything?
Kevin: [thoughtfully] Kinderson doesn't have any patients, we don't treat people...
Mike: Well anyway, tell your supervisor that if they dinged up the keg they're not getting their deposit back. So what can I get for you guys?
Luke: How about -- [as the same time as] Kevin: We should go.
Luke: Uhhh. OK.
Kevin: Thanks Mike! I'll let Kinderson know if I see him.
Luke: Keep the tape.
Mike: All right guys, stay out of trouble.
[door swings shug, sound of outside]
Kevin: So I just realized why those two guys were familiar.
Luke: Oh yeah? You've seen them before with Kinderson?
Kevin: No, I haven't ever met those guys. But their speech patterns were familiar. I'm just not used to seeing subjects outside of the lab.
Luke: Subjects? Like for your project?
Kevin: No, not for mine. I dealt mostly with high-functioning Aspergers autistics. But Kinderson --
Luke: Shit! But why --
Kevin: I have no idea. Let's head over to the lab and see what the hell is going on.
Luke: Yeah, let's hit the stairwell [echoey steps] So, what's the plan?
Kevin: Well, let's scope out who's in the lab first.
Luke: It's a Saturday.
Kevin: Alex has been coming in most weekends this month.
[Sound of a push door handle and a slight squeaking]
Kevin: [hushed] OK, can you hear anyone?
Luke: No... wait. Yeah, the interview room.
Kevin: Follow me. [quick steps on padded carpet, a door opening and closing quickly.]
[slightly louder] Now stay away from the observation window.
Luke: Right. I'll stay in the corner. What are you doing?
Kevin: If I can crawl beneath the window I can --
[there's a click and then Voices come from the other room, slightly modulated]: ... before we do.
Luke: Nice. The intercom.
Kinderson's voice: It's regrettable but necessary.
Other voice: They should have been back by now.
[intercom: sound of a door opening.] Dr. Kinderson: Do you have -- Alex?
Alex: Oh, Dr. Kinderson, I'm sorry to interrupt -- what what what what
Dr. Kinderson: That's right, Alex. Come lie down here.
Alex: what what what what what
Other voice: Insert the buds.
Dr. Kinderson: They're in.
Alex: what what what wha --
Other voice: Remove them.
Dr. Kinderson: There's no blood this time.
Alex: Oh, Dr. Kinderson! I must have nodded off.
Dr. Kinderson: That'll teach ya to burn the candle at both ends. Up ya get.
Alex: Thanks. I better call it a day.
Dr. Kinderson: That's a good idea. See you at the party tonight.
[door opening and closing]
Luke: What the fuck?
Kevin: Shhh, shh.
Dr. Kinderson: He didn't see you at all after that.
Other voice: His brain didn't want to see me at all in the first place. I just gave it a little extra help.
Dr. Kinderson: Will it be as simple with Kevin?
Other voice: Unfortunately it will be considerably more invasive. We have an entire experiential thread to remove. But the domino savant says it's a threat to the project.
Luke: Uh, Kev --
Kevin: Let's get the fuck out of here.
[sound of the door being opened and closed]
Dr. Kinderson: Where have you two been? Where is the target?
MiB1: We ran phases 1-3, unsuccessfully.
Luke: It's them, the guys with the tranq guns.
Kevin: Let's hit the stairs, quick.
- END OF EPISODE ONE.
TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT UPCOMING EPISODES, TUNE IN TO NOMEDIAKINGS.ORG
Kevin: Well, we have to sign in.
Stef: I didn't know you had a show coming up, CoolHand.
Luke: [confused]... Not for a couple of weeks.
Stef: You must be getting your posters done early then. Here's a pen.
Luke: Aw, geez... !
Stef: And you brought someone to help you carry out the boxes this time. Better than that gigantic backpack.
Luke: It wasn't that big. She busted me for making a couple of photocopies on the weekend.
Kevin: [distracted]... oh yeah, hey, so Kinderson's here, eh?
Stef: Yeah, so it might not be a great day for office theft, there, CoolHand.
- IF YOU ASK STEF ABOUT KINDERSON, SKIP ONE TRACK AHEAD TO TRACK 12.
- IF YOU HEAD FOR THE ELEVATOR, SKIP TWO TRACKS AHEAD TO TRACK 13.
Stef: This month he's been in a lot. Signed in a couple of dudes, this morning, but they left a while ago.
Luke: They leave in a van?
Stef: Why? You looking for something to drive your loot away with there, buddy? Maybe get yourself a flatbed, that's what I'd say..
Kevin: Probably just a visiting professor.
Stef: Pfft. Not likely. These guys were... I don't know what they were. Black hats, sunglasses. If they hadn't come in with Kinderson I would have called the cops.
Kevin: Uh huh. OK, well, take it easy. I'll keep an eye on this guy for you.
Luke: Smell you later.
Stef: Uh huh.
[silence for a bit]
Kevin: [hushed] Whattya say we take the stairwell, huh?
Luke: Yeah. Can't be that many fashion victims on the prowl today.
Luke: I wanted to get caught.
Stef: Oh yeah, I believe that.
[silence for a bit, then a ding, elevator doors close]
Luke: She is so into me it hurts.
Kevin: Well, she didn't turn you in... how'd you manage that?
Luke: I'll spare you the gory details.
[Elevator stops, doors open]
Kevin: Oh, hello, Doctor --
Luke: What the hell!
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